hello
thank you for reading about my time in toronto

i'm heading home tomorrow.



hoooooooooop.

appetite, apetite*

I think I've been doing a pretty bad job of taking care of my body. Granted, I am eating more (and better) than a couple of months ago, but I am still adjusting my energy intake to my energy output. Turns out, I need to eat some yummy proteins and carbs within 30 minutes of a workout. Did NOT know that. whoops. It takes me about an hour to get home and a half an hour to cook (if I even feel like actually cooking... sometimes I just eat a couple fried eggs with some bread and call it a night).

I was in ballet today, and just looking at myself in the mirror, I was shocked! I look HUGE. like, fat huge. I have no idea how much I weigh, but probably more than I'd expect. I mean, my arms are obviously going to look pretty muscular, but the rest of me does not look as toned as I would expect. Whyyyy, body, whyy? Am I eating too much fat? Am I not burning the carbs? I have no idea.

I think this whole night-training thing has really effed my body. I work so hard at night, and I consume a few hundred calories afterwards... I get wired and can't sleep, plus all the food I ate just stores as fat because all I do afterward is lay in bed and try to sleep.

Once I get home, I am on that treadmill at least an hour a day. During the day.




* just a note that the second word here is not spelled incorrectly, but rather a play on the word appetite (meaning desire for food) by placing an "a" (negating prefix) in front of "petite" (small, dainty). 

i'm homesick. i'm getting tired of moving around every 4-6 months.

in other news,
i worked so hard on tuesday that i couldn't sleep. laying on my arms was too painful.
how's that for pushing the limit? too far? or just enough?


[edit:12/20]
ballet killed my calves. i can no longer climb stairs without limping. it's been 3 days.

oh my goodness.

my time here is already almost over! i just realized that its december.

circus today:

okay. not great. i am getting frustrated again. in silks (granted it was after conditioning and flexibility classes), i feel like i should have more endurance. how come i get so tired so quickly? also, i feel like i should have more strength. those straddle inversions are the bane of my aerial existence.
(i feel like i have more to say here. im struggling with how to put my questions or concerns about my training without making it sound like i'm complaining... i'll try later when i feel more articulate)

also, something new that i've realized, now that i am moving to more advanced moves.. there is a certain spatial awareness that i am lacking. when i drop i just hold on for dear life and go. but i should be more aware of what my body is doing (which way it is turning, when i am facing up or down, etc). 

repetition repetition... 

how to know when you've trained too hard.

when your hands are too shaky to write notes about the trick you just learned
when you push through the pain of that one last climb, one last straddle up, one last...
when you bike home and you stand in front of the stairs to the porch wondering how Olive is getting back up there
when you almost cry trying to lift Olive up
when you spill chocolate milk trying to pour yourself a glass
when you drag your feet up to the third floor into your room

and collapse.

hello again, happy thanksgiving!

Zeynep was kind enough to take some pictures of me. Please don't mind the imperfect postures (non-pointed toes, back not curved enough, etc), as it was my second day back on the silks and I got tired really easily.

I am amazed (and a bit upset, I'll admit) that I lost so much strength or endurance or flexibility (or whatever it is that made my life easier on those silks) in such a short amount of time. I was only out for two weeks... but I am so happy to be back! My shoulders are in pain today, but nothing a little advil won't alleviate.

half turn drop

candle to faux iron cross.

 

Triangle Pose

yummy yummy happy tummy

hello hello
my sister is coming tomorrow!

in other news, i invited a couple of friends over for a delicious meal and a movie. I realized while i was cooking, how much I missed making my own food and sharing it with others, or even just sitting down and simply enjoying it. I made a simple stir-fry: broccoli, carrots, mushrooms, seared turmeric tofu, baby bok choy, hemp, nori, egg. oh and soba noodles. mmmmmm. each cooked to perfection.

fig newtons and chocolate milk for desert. good food makes a for a happy elif. 

i exist!

there you are. a picture of my circus friends and me... i guess i didnt realize we were in action pose...

screw it, i'm going to circus tomorrow.
even if only to stretch and do non-arm related conditioning exercises.


rough patch lately, guys. this whole injury thing was making me wonder if i should just give up and go home. i'm stickin it out, though.

also, grinnell circus peeps, watch out. i'm making a lesson plan for next semester. :)

home.

hello there.
so its tuesday night. it's been over a week since i fell. i went to my physiotherapist today. he said no circus for at least another week if not two.
its... quiet. I'm not running around in the evenings to try getting to TSCA right at 5pm so I can have the full 2 hours for open gym. no coming home exhausted and ravenous.
tonight is the first night i'm actually enjoying the silence rather than hating myself for getting hurt. i'm drinking tea, listening to some tunes, and knitting. warm. comfy. quiet. i wish i had a cat to complete the picture.
kinda makes me miss fairfield.
but it also helped me realize that i'm a pretty simple person. all i really need is a book or a ball of yarn and some music to make me feel cozy.

also, its raining outside.

email from linda today:

Hello Everyone,

Couple of reminders:

1.       The school will be closed this Wednesday November 16^th and Thursday November 17^th; there are no classes, no open gym, no performance troupe training!






linda, why exactly is there an exclamation point at the end of that statement? this does not excite me at all. in fact, i let out a squeal of disapproval (a very distinct squeal, much different than my one of delight). how dare the school be closed now that my arm is feeling (somewhat-not really-but im sure it would be by wednesday) better?! 




in other news, i am also lamenting that i cannot attend the martin hayes concert in grinnell this evening. i counter it by going to see High Places at the Garrison tonight. hmph.  

exclamation time.

i am here to play
and enjoy play

OH YEAH! i just remembered this today. whew! good thing i remembered before i really forgot.

so today was my last day at work, and while i was really upset about this (financial situation, blahblahblah), i realized that now i'll have more time! and be less tired! time to play cello! and read! and rest! and stretch! and... bake! and.... do other things!

am i at the north pole now? im getting lost.

went to circus this morning. I could only do about half of the conditioning class. no push-ups. no pull-ups. forget pull-ups, i couldnt even hold my weight from the bar. so no silks today. :(

i miss circus. is that weird? just being there made me want to be active, and i couldnt....

but i came home early and so far i have cleaned up my room, done laundry, done dishes, took a bath, and i think im about to start playing some cello. and tonight i will prepare a most wonderful meal-- im thinking brocolli with rice and quinoa. and crepes for desert!
yay!

"bad day" continues with: bad week!

i havent been to circus in a week.
i havent played cello for two weeks.
i havent taken good care of my body (food, sleep, routine) for more that that.


i keep on pretending that im getting better, but i'm not. that wall of fear is still ever-present.

its so frustrating! i can see the beauty, but i cant be a part of it. i cant be it. i can appreciate music and movement and a story, but
but i dont know what's stopping me. i feel... lazy. its not that i dont want it. its that i dont believe that i will get anywhere. so i'm too afraid to let myself try and see what happens anyway.

i dont feel so good. when am i going to get up?

this american life

“Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.” 

― Ira Glass

my stuff is pretty crappy right now. choppy. unfocused. 

gotta keep writing. gotta keep going. 

bad day

my arm wont move (so i cant go to circus)
i keep having terrible nightmares about being back in grinnell,
i lost my job today (so i dont have enough money to go to a doctor),
and i've cancelled my registration for the amma retreat (super sad face)


i think this project has started to go south.

ouch

my shoulder really hurts from the fall it took yesterday. as in, i couldnt sleep very well last night and i can barely move it without it yelling at me in pain.

i want to go to class today, but i dont know if it's a good idea. will i be able to handle it, or will using my shoulder just make it worse? i dont know what to do. i dont like just sitting here and doing nothing though.
maybe i'll just go and... stretch? i have so much work to do! why did i have to get injured?

16 C (61 F)

today was so full! the weather was beautiful so Olive and I spent the day outdoors. 

high park is lovely in autumn:

so many leaves!

this was the best part of my day. i should have never left the park..
..so i left the park.
and while i was biking, olive's front tire got caught in a streetcar rail. she was fine, but i really hurt my left shoulder... it's really achy and doesn't want to move very much.
which wasn't great because i was off to my very first ever dance class. modern dance at the city dance corps.

i almost cried. not because of the shoulder-- that i can manage. dance i cannot. i'm terrible! following choreography is difficult! i'm constantly in my head thinking, "oh god what comes next?" that my movements are all choppy. at first i didnt really mind, but after an hour and a half of being a half step behind and craning my neck to follow everyone else... guh, i was absolutely frustrated and seriously considered just walking out. but i'll go back. week after week after masochistic week. and maybe, just maybe-- i will be able to keep up for ten seconds by the end of it. or perhaps i'll be able to enjoy the movement for the sake of moving.

varekai

I'd like to get bendy (and brave) enough to do something like this:

I, Elif, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, Elif, am a wonderful and creative mover, dancer, circus artist.
I, Elif, am a beautiful cellist.

I, Elif, have started the Artist's Way again. Morning pages are dreadful, and writing these affirmations (particularly to the public), is difficult and embarrassing. But I want to be an artist. So I have to stop being so scared of becoming one.

Speaking of fears, I did a drop-in flying trapeze class tonight after open gym. It was terrifying and absolutely exhilarating. I loved it! Climbing 40 feet up in the air and then jumping off the ledge! Wheeeeee!!! I did a double back flip tuck to come down too. eeek :)

at the phoenix

I went to a Moby concert on Monday. He has a very sweet stage presence. Joked that he wanted to take us all to LA with him to save us from the impending doom-- i mean, winter.

The crowd was great, the vibes were soulful. I could feel the vibrations of the music in my body. I danced and sang and had a wonderful time :)

jordan, or the universe.

I've been scared for a long time. Of anything, of everything, of the world, of other people, of myself. There are periods when I can let go and have faith in the world, the universe, destiny, humanity, but at times I feel utterly vulnerable and I protect myself by not letting anyone get to know me. I cannot have trust in others because I barely trust myself. I cannot let go in order to love others, or to have compassion, because I do not have self-love.
I met a man yesterday in a coffeeshop. He commented on what a rockstar I am because I was knitting. He had just been on a journey walking from Vancouver to the southern tip of California, and he seemed to exude compassion and love. We talked for a bit about this and that, and then he asked me a personal question. And there was a second of doubt. My initial reaction was to stave off the question and stay in my little shell, but he had been so open with me about the recent changes he underwent in his life, battling with his inner censor voice, that I decided to accept that I was afraid of opening up and do it anyway. We talked for over an hour and by the end, although I was unsettled by letting him see me for who I really was, it was okay. I still had power over myself. Just because I let someone in does not give them power over me. He made it easy because he was so compassionate and open, but even still, I realized that I am in control. That little voice that tells me what to do, that makes me hold on to my fears, does not have to dominate my actions, and maybe someday, my beliefs.
He told me that every person, every single one of us, is a hero, and it is through going to the deepest darkest parts of ourselves and facing those wounds and battlescars that we can resurface unscathed into a greater reality. I am still holding back to my greater potential because I have yet to let go of my greatest fears, or to face them. But it's okay. I will take it one step at a time, and perhaps I'll learn to love myself along the way. 

dizzy.

i love the aesthetic of hoop.... and how effortless it looks!

but it is so punishing! that 40 lb steel hoop does not give and you have to conform your body to it instead of it wrapping around you (like silks).
(secretly, i think i like it better. but it is sooooooo painful. and hard. and ughhhh. but in a lovely way.)
my hands will get over it. theyre toughening up. i just have to work reaaally hard on my flexibility. 

circus sketches

havelock, will stay

i love my little nook.

 my new rooooooom!

rainy day

that's my window! it's like i have my own little loggia :)

my neighbors

we have a patio. 

chinatown

are those piglets?

 i felt like posting some pictures.

just chillin'. selling some herb.

i have NO idea what these are. 

herro!

hello.

i am not a silks artist. now, when i say that, i dont mean it in the whiny self-pitying way. rather, i recognize that is not my state of being at the present. i have to, or my expectations will... well, they'll kill me. metaphorically, anyhow.
i go to the gym and i get frustrated because i cannot do a straddle inversion. so i work for two hours straight on just that. and by the end, im shaking, and my arms give out as i try to do one last climb.
during muscle conditioning, i try and do the exercises for as long as i can, and breathe through the pain. but i know that pain, and its not the good kind. its the kind where my abs are so tired so they utilize my back muscles. bad form means that i'm actually benefitting less from the exercise than if i were to just take a break to... breathe.


yes, i want that straddle inversion. yes i want that back walkover. but comparing myself to people who have been doing it for years is probably not the best way to go about it.

tryptophan

Happy Thanksgiving!

A housemate had some of her friends over (all of them speak french), so I enjoyed my turkey while listening to them speak in their native tongue, laughing and all.

I've been nursing a cold for the past few days so I am thankful for the day off from school and work. Tomorrow, training. I have to get this acro stuff down. Auditions are in February... !
Soon I will be publishing a timeline of objectives and I hope that making it public will keep me to the self-imposed deadlines... Goals include preparation for the NCS audition and the manuscript for the fall circus show.

zero gravity

Now that I've peeked into the circus world, I am surprised by the variety of performers, and admittedly, a little put off. While I understand that circus is a form of entertainment, I am not in this to delight an audience. I don't see the allure in learning "tricks" for that seems too simple a task.. practice will produce results, and the way I see it, anyone can do a knee hook or even a helicopter if they just (really) try.

But it's not just about getting into those positions that interests me, that keeps me coming back day after tiring day to the silks. It's the fascination with how my body can be manipulated, or rather, how I learn to manipulate my body, the one thing I have control over, to challenge my perceptions, my feelings, even my beliefs of what is possible. It's within these simple tricks that I get to explore a hint of expression-- communicating my truth without fear. Oh my.

Perhaps this is setting the barre too high. Perhaps my expectations of what the circus will mean for me is just another fantasy. I cannot help but try. The streets are all astir, and I'm tickled.

Moby Dick

While I am truly enjoying all that this city has to offer, I have to admit,  I'm a little homesick. I miss my friends, family.. the comfort of enjoying a conversation without effort.


I took a day off today. I really needed it, I think. I'm getting sick-- so I really need to take better care of myself. I slept in, then stayed in bed until about noon, which was GREAT. Then I treated myself to lunch out (ie: real food) and a latte at moonbean with Melville and his White Whale. Afterwards, I explored the library and found this! American Turk's-cap Lily, or Lilium superbum. What struck me at first were the amazing colors-- the red-orange golden petals contrasting with the aubergine stalk. Then I noticed the name, which made it even better.

Speaking of Turks... I don't think Melville had a very high opinion of them. Historically speaking, I suppose we're not the gentlest of peoples, but he writes "No turbaned Turk, no hired Venetian or Malay, could have smote him with more seeming malice," elucidating the ill-will of the whale. Ouch.


I didn't go to conditioning class today. Which I feel a little twinge of guilt about, but really, I think it's ok. I needed today. Ha. I spent that time reading up about circus at the library. A little something from my studies,

"Here is the ensemble work that has come to be one of the hallmarks of contemporary circus, presented in a style that is both joyous and graceful, suggesting in its supreme effortlessness that circus is a natural extension of mankind's love of challenge taken to the level of art"(Albrecht, Contemporary Circus). 

I like that. It's natural... much like Ishmael's desire to take to sea, or my desire to travel. It's human nature to challenge oneself and the concept of the "impossible."

mecca.

Toronto Reference Library-- my new sanctuary. Five stories of reference books. FIVE.

This is my first pile... and I only browsed for 10 minutes.

eeeee! time to get to work :)

balance.

today was both good and bad. serendipitous events made my happy, but by the evening, my energy for circus was not... energetic.

while on my way to my cello lesson this morning, i decided to stop for a coffee at *gasp* tim hortons (canada's dunkin donuts). while standing in line, the man in front of me turned around and told me many times over that nothing is impossible... he kept repeating "even vienna fill-a"... and i just realized he meant the Vienna Philaharmonic. he was adamant that i should keep at it. I nodded, smilingly, wondering why this random man seemed so invested in my musical success. made me smile anyway.
On my way out, a very cute boy walked up to me and invited me to join his band-- they need a cellist. I explained what a novice I am, but he seemed interested anyway. Apparently they do a lot of improv. He took my email. We'll see if that pans out. :)

i did not want to be in conditioning today. i think my mindset contributes a lot to how my body feels because i felt more tired, more in pain, less energetic, simply because i did not want to be there... not that my body couldn't handle the exercises.
i learned something important today. no matter what, save enough energy for the... dismount? it takes effort to get out of moves, its not just about letting go. i burned my hands today because i didn't get out of a skill properly in silks. i hurt my back because i didnt have enough strength left to straddle back then down.
ouch.

tomorrow will be better. 

TSCA

Finally, a few photos of the facility! Frankly, I filched these from friends' facebook profiles, for I've not found the fitting framework to photograph my own. Phew!

Cocoon. This is the silks corner...

Behind them you can see pretty much the whole gym. To the left is flying trapeze, to the center back is the static trapeze and hoop, to the right is trampoline and chinese poles (this must have been before they installed the poles), and where these two are is the acro area. The silks corner is to the left of here.

Static trapeze. 

I'm bleeding circus.

dreaming of Montreal

nuit blanche

i'm eating a lot more, i've realized. my schedule is off, so i never eat at the same times, but i am hungry to eat more during each meal. curious.


last night was "nuit blanche"-- a night of wandering aimlessly, or trying to find the artwork displayed throughout the city. i saw more street performers than i did art installations. i danced with a circle of Hare Krishnas and did some hand-balancing with a fellow (tipsy, mind you) circuser.
perhaps i'm a stickler for intention, but i didn't exactly enjoy being in the middle of a crowd and doing silly tricks with a grin for a round of applause. hmm.

rainy day. spending it with tea and knitting. happy october :)

growing pains

my wrists feel like noodles (handstands)
my hands are developing callouses (hoop)
my ankles have minor burns (silks)
my life is good.

kensington market

Today was Pedestrian Sunday at Kensington Market. A small neighborhood known for counterculture and cheap artists' residences, it has more recently become somewhat gentrified. The area features vintage clothing, organic food groceries, cheese shops, small bakeries, and my favorite: moonbean.

(this is where I have spent countless hours enjoying coffee, people-watching, knitting, and writing)

It was a beautiful day outside. Sunny, clear, warm... The streets were bustling with students, tourists, little doggies with their owners, and street performers. I witnessed a contact juggler, a few musicians, a prose-writer on command... (I didn't really get that-- all she did was sit there and type away on her painfully stereotypical hipster typewriter and take drags from her cigarette), a woman pretending to be a wind-up doll (at right), oh! and a percussion band that drew quite a crowd. So big, in fact, that I couldn't even see the band. I distinctly heard a snare drum, that typical marching band drum where you hit it on both sides with large mallets, and even a darbuka. I'm going to try and get a hand-balancing routine together with a partner for next months Halloween street-fest. 

I think my favorite sight was two little entrepreneurial girls.. with surprisingly good marketing skills... or perhaps I'm just a sucker for innocence.

"Sunshine in a cup  50c"

 After a quick round of the Market, and a tasty chorizo empanada, I retreated into my corner of Moonbean for a cappuccino and some time with my new friend. I'm knitting a sweater with some luxurious yarn and I can't stop gushing over it. The yarn is actually quite simple... an non-dyed andean single twist highland wool-- but there is something exquisite about the simplicity of it. It's like I'm petting the sheep that gave part of itself so that I could make something to keep myself warm and happy. Every time I pick up the yarn, I think, "Thank you, sheep."

 

autumnal equinox

happy autumn!

the trees are starting to turn here, and the weather is driving me mad. cool mornings, hot afternoons, and rainy evenings.


circus updates:
i really need to work on my hip flexors' strength. straddle inversions are really important... who knew that circusing would mean spending a lot of time upside down?

my partner in silks today... really really cute, flexible gymnast. the quiet type. hmmm :)
...i can't tell if he's gay. i think that's a common circus-world issue. sighh

i'm having a great time imagining a circus show for the fall of next year. the images i see are incredible, fantastical; i just wish i knew how to put them on paper. my notes consist of nonsensical phrases and mini sketches. perhaps if i become less shy, i will post them at some point. maybe that's a step in the artist's way. if i make it to that chapter, i'll be sure to share.


Lise, a friend of mine, a dancer, has invited me and a few other girls in joining her bellydance on Friday nights. Although I was a bit opposed to the idea at first (mainly just embarrased, really), I actually had a great time. I'm learning to divide my body into parts and to explore the range of movement in isolated sections-- mainly hips and chest, obviously, but overall a great exercise to introduce me to body-awareness.


i miss home, but starting to make friends here is helping.

mover, in a sense of the word.

New address, moving in October 1. For realz. I put down a deposit.

274 Havelock St.
Toronto, ON
M6H 1M3


sheesh. 

scholiosis

Working with partners in balancing was quite a treat today.

Quotes of note:

"Wow, you are so.... scholiosis-y!"

SPOT-er: "No, you're crooked, straighten out more."
Me: "ehhhh..."
Instructor: "She's literally crooked and doesn't know what straight is. So you have to move her hips and say OK stay there."

2am, stream of consciousness

why the hell not?

where does all my energy go? i know what i love, and i know what it feels like when i'm... happy? no. just,.. carefree.

so forget it all, all the crap that weighs on me. what was it that rilke wrote?

"fear not suffering, the heaviness,
give it back to the weight of the earth,
the mountains are heavy, heavy the oceans."

jeeeeezus.
i'm tired. 

to: [circus]

To everyone who thinks what I've done is glamorous or envious.... here it is. My full disclosure.

While I am grateful to be in a position to just pack up and leave, to take some time to myself, to realize a fantasy...

here are some (unedited) notes scribbled down while waiting for my class today:

[I keep thinking, "who am i kidding?" "what do i think i'm doing here? coming to a place where i know no one and dont have anything to do all day?" "i can't do this-- it's impossible-- i'm not strong enough, not flexible enough, not commited enough. i'm lazy. i'm a coward. i don't do enough, i don't offer enough." i fall into these thought patterns and i create these problems. they don't have to exist. i create my own life here, but i'm still holding back. i'm still clutching on to these preconceptions i've made up to protect me from ever getting anywhere. what am i so afraid of? what am i waiting for? i take a step forward and then i tremble and retreat, curling into fetal position, waiting to be coddled. what fucking bullshit!* am i just lazy? I refuse to believe that--I hope that's not true because that would ruin me. I think there is still an underlying fear that i'm not facing. i'm getting tired of this game.]

In case anyone back in Grinnell is reading this, cherish one another. Help each other through the crap, because I suppose in the end, you have to believe it's possible... because I can't believe it every day. But I have to. At least you can have one another.





*excuse my expletives. 

they call me the lease-breaker

Sooooo I'm moving.
This place was just no good. Bed bugs, not clean, no communication with other tenants... blech.

My new address as of October 1 will be

76 Yarmouth Road
Toronto, ON
M6G 1X1

I'll be living with some chill goths (pertaining to the subculture, not the germanic people), and three cats!


[edit]

I spoke too soon. They retracted their offer. sighhhhh

random photos

Thank you, Toronto. I need a little help sometimes.

Here is my room. A little sterile, but I have all I need. 

Flower shop on Bloor

There are some cultural differences... hehehe

Meet Olive!

High Park. Notice the heron in the back?

Moonbean. View from my little hideaway.

All the essentials. 

aimless. 

the novelty has faded, and i am lost. while i still feel utterly compelled to pursue circus, toronto life is not easy for me. circus is the only thing i have to look forward to. but my days are empty, and i havent taken the initiative, the full initiative, to fill them. 

i dabble here and there with amusements. but i need something more concrete. 

i'm too used to structure that this thing i have now, all this time, is daunting. 

Coffee Talk

I had my first cello lesson with Jonathan today. Veeeerrryyyy different than Julie. We spent most of the time focusing on how to properly hold the bow-- to be honest, even though I was somewhat frustrated, I'm glad we're taking baby steps. This way I won't build bad habits... I never quite learned the correct way to bow with Julie.

Afterwards, I stopped to have breakfast at a coffeeshop just around the corner from the subway. I joined a couple of local artists in their banter-- 3 older men (40s-50s) named Jerry, Jacob, and Victor. While two of them took turns drawing caricatures of one another (laughing all the while at the exaggerated features they  benevolently embellished), Victor read me my horoscope from the weekly newspaper.

LIBRA
"Sentiment without action is the ruin of the soul," said environmentalist Edward Abbey. The "ruin" doesn't happen all of a sudden, because of a single small failure to translate sincere intentions into good works. Rather, it's the result of a long-running laziness or passivity-- a constant inability to do what one's passions demand. If there is even a shred of this tendency in your makeup, Libra, now is an urgent time to shed it. According to my astrological analysis, you simply must carry out your soul's mandates.

He looked at me and said in a very serious tone, "You better take care of those. What are your soul's mandates, then?" I just turned to my cello, and replied cheerfully, "I think I'm doing OK."

Upon asking him what his horoscope forecast was, he said, "Beware of Libras."

high

the trouble with night classes... endorphins keeping me up.

i have my first cello lesson tomorrow morning. wheee

a queer feeling.

There is a point where you stop feeling. You stop thinking. You are too weary to even consider the pain. Pulling out the slack from the silks, you heave a sigh and go again. You fall. You start over. 

There is a point where you have to stop feeling or it would be too much. You have to stop thinking or it would be overwhelming-- the little speck that pull is-- that pull that takes all you've got.. it's nothing-- but that's why you have to stop everything and just go. 

It hurt to pee this morning. Not the "uh-oh I think I have an infection" type, but it hurt because the muscles I use to pee are the same that I iced last night to numb the pain. 

Crooked

Notes from the field:

at Le Gourmand, after an appointment at Adelaide West Physiotherapy

There are different types of intelligence. Being the Grinnellian that I am, I've spent most of my life using my smarts-- the brain realm, I suppose. It's only now that I've started exploring my body intelligence, and I feel like a child. I didn't know these parts of my body! When I lean this way, that part of me leans that-a-way. How fascinating! I still don't know what I can do.. or what my body takes.

I just left the physio and learned quite a bit about the two halves of my body. We focused mainly on my right shoulder and mid-back, using the left side as a control. I didn't realize how contorted I am, and how weak. My right shoulder is pushed forward, and the entire right side of my back is overcompensating to keep me in line. Poor little back! I had no idea.

I'm trying to listen to what my body is saying, but to me it is completely foreign. The language and ways of understanding in this medium are completely different than to what I've become accustomed. Fortunately, I've always loved language. Hopefully, I'm as quick a study with this as with spoken language. 

Day 3

Even though I knew that this would take a lot of work, I thought that was purely physical: something that could be realized with time and practice.
I did not even think of how I would constantly be facing myself. The pure resistance of my mind.
Constant repetition gets frustrating pretty quickly--and I didn't realize how lonely it would be. Just me, having to get over all of my preconceptions of what I SHOULD look like, and recognize that it takes at least a thousand reps before I could even climb with a perfect pike.


The mind is the killer.


In other news, my handstand is crooked because of my shoulder, and I can barely do back-extensions without pain in my lower back. Time to go see a physiotherapist, I believe. Get myself straightened out.*







*heh. heh.

tidbits

My address (subject to change):


7 Dhir Mews
Toronto, Ontario
M6E 5B4




Doppelgängers so far:


Mexican Kenji
90s Grunge Lizzie Behr
Dylan (that young'n from my Islam class).... exactly the same

Ketchup

First days:

I moved into a room on Dufferin and St. Clair. While at first I thought this was a little far from everything, I realize that it's quite central since my school north of the city. I'm about 5 miles from just about everything: Kensington Market, High Park, and the Toronto School of Circus Arts. 

With my new (used) bike, Olive, I can get anywhere!

A few days ago I went to Roncesvalles, which is a neighborhood near High Park. That area of the city is so pretty, very green, very chic. The day was chillier than I had expected (autumn came so suddenly, I was surprised, albeit pleasantly). I stopped in a coffee shop called "the Lit" and had the best cappuccino in this city so far. My usual haunts have been the Green Beanery and Le Gourmand, but they don't really know what "wet" means. Although the Lit doesn't roast her own, I think the actual barista skills were much kinder to the coffee beans in question and extracted a less acidic taste than other places. Anyway, I was chatting up Mr. Cute Hipster Boy (i know this not only from his apparel, but also because he is in a band). Now don't get me wrong, hipster here is no criticism. He was quite helpful in pointing out live music bars in the city for me. Next time I'm out that way, maybe I'll have to courage to give him my number. 

I went to a bar the boy recommended, where I met a nice Indian girl and her Quebecer friend. They were having a comedy night, and the jokes got funnier as I was on my 2nd beer. 

The next morning was not so friendly to me. I had forgotten what a lightweight I am. I spent the day with my headache in Kensington Market, in a corner of Moonbean (best tea selection!) knitting away while listening to some easy tunes. 

Incidentally, that night (yesterday), was my first day of classes! I got my butt (or rather, my abs) kicked in muscle conditioning, and learned one way to climb the silks. I got about 10 feet off the ground! Although the day was awful, I was extremely cheery after leaving Circus, walking to the bus stop in the twilight. 

And so now, we are all caught up. I suppose I will try to make subsequent posts more interesting to read, perhaps with better language skills, or, my favorite, describing distinctive little moments that disappear all too quickly.   

au revoir!

PS- a little sidenote about the title of this blog... they really do say aboot. and oot (instead of out). really. its quite endearing