growing pains

my wrists feel like noodles (handstands)
my hands are developing callouses (hoop)
my ankles have minor burns (silks)
my life is good.

kensington market

Today was Pedestrian Sunday at Kensington Market. A small neighborhood known for counterculture and cheap artists' residences, it has more recently become somewhat gentrified. The area features vintage clothing, organic food groceries, cheese shops, small bakeries, and my favorite: moonbean.

(this is where I have spent countless hours enjoying coffee, people-watching, knitting, and writing)

It was a beautiful day outside. Sunny, clear, warm... The streets were bustling with students, tourists, little doggies with their owners, and street performers. I witnessed a contact juggler, a few musicians, a prose-writer on command... (I didn't really get that-- all she did was sit there and type away on her painfully stereotypical hipster typewriter and take drags from her cigarette), a woman pretending to be a wind-up doll (at right), oh! and a percussion band that drew quite a crowd. So big, in fact, that I couldn't even see the band. I distinctly heard a snare drum, that typical marching band drum where you hit it on both sides with large mallets, and even a darbuka. I'm going to try and get a hand-balancing routine together with a partner for next months Halloween street-fest. 

I think my favorite sight was two little entrepreneurial girls.. with surprisingly good marketing skills... or perhaps I'm just a sucker for innocence.

"Sunshine in a cup  50c"

 After a quick round of the Market, and a tasty chorizo empanada, I retreated into my corner of Moonbean for a cappuccino and some time with my new friend. I'm knitting a sweater with some luxurious yarn and I can't stop gushing over it. The yarn is actually quite simple... an non-dyed andean single twist highland wool-- but there is something exquisite about the simplicity of it. It's like I'm petting the sheep that gave part of itself so that I could make something to keep myself warm and happy. Every time I pick up the yarn, I think, "Thank you, sheep."

 

autumnal equinox

happy autumn!

the trees are starting to turn here, and the weather is driving me mad. cool mornings, hot afternoons, and rainy evenings.


circus updates:
i really need to work on my hip flexors' strength. straddle inversions are really important... who knew that circusing would mean spending a lot of time upside down?

my partner in silks today... really really cute, flexible gymnast. the quiet type. hmmm :)
...i can't tell if he's gay. i think that's a common circus-world issue. sighh

i'm having a great time imagining a circus show for the fall of next year. the images i see are incredible, fantastical; i just wish i knew how to put them on paper. my notes consist of nonsensical phrases and mini sketches. perhaps if i become less shy, i will post them at some point. maybe that's a step in the artist's way. if i make it to that chapter, i'll be sure to share.


Lise, a friend of mine, a dancer, has invited me and a few other girls in joining her bellydance on Friday nights. Although I was a bit opposed to the idea at first (mainly just embarrased, really), I actually had a great time. I'm learning to divide my body into parts and to explore the range of movement in isolated sections-- mainly hips and chest, obviously, but overall a great exercise to introduce me to body-awareness.


i miss home, but starting to make friends here is helping.

mover, in a sense of the word.

New address, moving in October 1. For realz. I put down a deposit.

274 Havelock St.
Toronto, ON
M6H 1M3


sheesh. 

scholiosis

Working with partners in balancing was quite a treat today.

Quotes of note:

"Wow, you are so.... scholiosis-y!"

SPOT-er: "No, you're crooked, straighten out more."
Me: "ehhhh..."
Instructor: "She's literally crooked and doesn't know what straight is. So you have to move her hips and say OK stay there."

2am, stream of consciousness

why the hell not?

where does all my energy go? i know what i love, and i know what it feels like when i'm... happy? no. just,.. carefree.

so forget it all, all the crap that weighs on me. what was it that rilke wrote?

"fear not suffering, the heaviness,
give it back to the weight of the earth,
the mountains are heavy, heavy the oceans."

jeeeeezus.
i'm tired. 

to: [circus]

To everyone who thinks what I've done is glamorous or envious.... here it is. My full disclosure.

While I am grateful to be in a position to just pack up and leave, to take some time to myself, to realize a fantasy...

here are some (unedited) notes scribbled down while waiting for my class today:

[I keep thinking, "who am i kidding?" "what do i think i'm doing here? coming to a place where i know no one and dont have anything to do all day?" "i can't do this-- it's impossible-- i'm not strong enough, not flexible enough, not commited enough. i'm lazy. i'm a coward. i don't do enough, i don't offer enough." i fall into these thought patterns and i create these problems. they don't have to exist. i create my own life here, but i'm still holding back. i'm still clutching on to these preconceptions i've made up to protect me from ever getting anywhere. what am i so afraid of? what am i waiting for? i take a step forward and then i tremble and retreat, curling into fetal position, waiting to be coddled. what fucking bullshit!* am i just lazy? I refuse to believe that--I hope that's not true because that would ruin me. I think there is still an underlying fear that i'm not facing. i'm getting tired of this game.]

In case anyone back in Grinnell is reading this, cherish one another. Help each other through the crap, because I suppose in the end, you have to believe it's possible... because I can't believe it every day. But I have to. At least you can have one another.





*excuse my expletives. 

they call me the lease-breaker

Sooooo I'm moving.
This place was just no good. Bed bugs, not clean, no communication with other tenants... blech.

My new address as of October 1 will be

76 Yarmouth Road
Toronto, ON
M6G 1X1

I'll be living with some chill goths (pertaining to the subculture, not the germanic people), and three cats!


[edit]

I spoke too soon. They retracted their offer. sighhhhh

random photos

Thank you, Toronto. I need a little help sometimes.

Here is my room. A little sterile, but I have all I need. 

Flower shop on Bloor

There are some cultural differences... hehehe

Meet Olive!

High Park. Notice the heron in the back?

Moonbean. View from my little hideaway.

All the essentials. 

aimless. 

the novelty has faded, and i am lost. while i still feel utterly compelled to pursue circus, toronto life is not easy for me. circus is the only thing i have to look forward to. but my days are empty, and i havent taken the initiative, the full initiative, to fill them. 

i dabble here and there with amusements. but i need something more concrete. 

i'm too used to structure that this thing i have now, all this time, is daunting. 

Coffee Talk

I had my first cello lesson with Jonathan today. Veeeerrryyyy different than Julie. We spent most of the time focusing on how to properly hold the bow-- to be honest, even though I was somewhat frustrated, I'm glad we're taking baby steps. This way I won't build bad habits... I never quite learned the correct way to bow with Julie.

Afterwards, I stopped to have breakfast at a coffeeshop just around the corner from the subway. I joined a couple of local artists in their banter-- 3 older men (40s-50s) named Jerry, Jacob, and Victor. While two of them took turns drawing caricatures of one another (laughing all the while at the exaggerated features they  benevolently embellished), Victor read me my horoscope from the weekly newspaper.

LIBRA
"Sentiment without action is the ruin of the soul," said environmentalist Edward Abbey. The "ruin" doesn't happen all of a sudden, because of a single small failure to translate sincere intentions into good works. Rather, it's the result of a long-running laziness or passivity-- a constant inability to do what one's passions demand. If there is even a shred of this tendency in your makeup, Libra, now is an urgent time to shed it. According to my astrological analysis, you simply must carry out your soul's mandates.

He looked at me and said in a very serious tone, "You better take care of those. What are your soul's mandates, then?" I just turned to my cello, and replied cheerfully, "I think I'm doing OK."

Upon asking him what his horoscope forecast was, he said, "Beware of Libras."

high

the trouble with night classes... endorphins keeping me up.

i have my first cello lesson tomorrow morning. wheee

a queer feeling.

There is a point where you stop feeling. You stop thinking. You are too weary to even consider the pain. Pulling out the slack from the silks, you heave a sigh and go again. You fall. You start over. 

There is a point where you have to stop feeling or it would be too much. You have to stop thinking or it would be overwhelming-- the little speck that pull is-- that pull that takes all you've got.. it's nothing-- but that's why you have to stop everything and just go. 

It hurt to pee this morning. Not the "uh-oh I think I have an infection" type, but it hurt because the muscles I use to pee are the same that I iced last night to numb the pain. 

Crooked

Notes from the field:

at Le Gourmand, after an appointment at Adelaide West Physiotherapy

There are different types of intelligence. Being the Grinnellian that I am, I've spent most of my life using my smarts-- the brain realm, I suppose. It's only now that I've started exploring my body intelligence, and I feel like a child. I didn't know these parts of my body! When I lean this way, that part of me leans that-a-way. How fascinating! I still don't know what I can do.. or what my body takes.

I just left the physio and learned quite a bit about the two halves of my body. We focused mainly on my right shoulder and mid-back, using the left side as a control. I didn't realize how contorted I am, and how weak. My right shoulder is pushed forward, and the entire right side of my back is overcompensating to keep me in line. Poor little back! I had no idea.

I'm trying to listen to what my body is saying, but to me it is completely foreign. The language and ways of understanding in this medium are completely different than to what I've become accustomed. Fortunately, I've always loved language. Hopefully, I'm as quick a study with this as with spoken language. 

Day 3

Even though I knew that this would take a lot of work, I thought that was purely physical: something that could be realized with time and practice.
I did not even think of how I would constantly be facing myself. The pure resistance of my mind.
Constant repetition gets frustrating pretty quickly--and I didn't realize how lonely it would be. Just me, having to get over all of my preconceptions of what I SHOULD look like, and recognize that it takes at least a thousand reps before I could even climb with a perfect pike.


The mind is the killer.


In other news, my handstand is crooked because of my shoulder, and I can barely do back-extensions without pain in my lower back. Time to go see a physiotherapist, I believe. Get myself straightened out.*







*heh. heh.

tidbits

My address (subject to change):


7 Dhir Mews
Toronto, Ontario
M6E 5B4




Doppelgängers so far:


Mexican Kenji
90s Grunge Lizzie Behr
Dylan (that young'n from my Islam class).... exactly the same

Ketchup

First days:

I moved into a room on Dufferin and St. Clair. While at first I thought this was a little far from everything, I realize that it's quite central since my school north of the city. I'm about 5 miles from just about everything: Kensington Market, High Park, and the Toronto School of Circus Arts. 

With my new (used) bike, Olive, I can get anywhere!

A few days ago I went to Roncesvalles, which is a neighborhood near High Park. That area of the city is so pretty, very green, very chic. The day was chillier than I had expected (autumn came so suddenly, I was surprised, albeit pleasantly). I stopped in a coffee shop called "the Lit" and had the best cappuccino in this city so far. My usual haunts have been the Green Beanery and Le Gourmand, but they don't really know what "wet" means. Although the Lit doesn't roast her own, I think the actual barista skills were much kinder to the coffee beans in question and extracted a less acidic taste than other places. Anyway, I was chatting up Mr. Cute Hipster Boy (i know this not only from his apparel, but also because he is in a band). Now don't get me wrong, hipster here is no criticism. He was quite helpful in pointing out live music bars in the city for me. Next time I'm out that way, maybe I'll have to courage to give him my number. 

I went to a bar the boy recommended, where I met a nice Indian girl and her Quebecer friend. They were having a comedy night, and the jokes got funnier as I was on my 2nd beer. 

The next morning was not so friendly to me. I had forgotten what a lightweight I am. I spent the day with my headache in Kensington Market, in a corner of Moonbean (best tea selection!) knitting away while listening to some easy tunes. 

Incidentally, that night (yesterday), was my first day of classes! I got my butt (or rather, my abs) kicked in muscle conditioning, and learned one way to climb the silks. I got about 10 feet off the ground! Although the day was awful, I was extremely cheery after leaving Circus, walking to the bus stop in the twilight. 

And so now, we are all caught up. I suppose I will try to make subsequent posts more interesting to read, perhaps with better language skills, or, my favorite, describing distinctive little moments that disappear all too quickly.   

au revoir!

PS- a little sidenote about the title of this blog... they really do say aboot. and oot (instead of out). really. its quite endearing