i miss circus

hello
thank you for reading about my time in toronto

i'm heading home tomorrow.



hoooooooooop.

appetite, apetite*

I think I've been doing a pretty bad job of taking care of my body. Granted, I am eating more (and better) than a couple of months ago, but I am still adjusting my energy intake to my energy output. Turns out, I need to eat some yummy proteins and carbs within 30 minutes of a workout. Did NOT know that. whoops. It takes me about an hour to get home and a half an hour to cook (if I even feel like actually cooking... sometimes I just eat a couple fried eggs with some bread and call it a night).

I was in ballet today, and just looking at myself in the mirror, I was shocked! I look HUGE. like, fat huge. I have no idea how much I weigh, but probably more than I'd expect. I mean, my arms are obviously going to look pretty muscular, but the rest of me does not look as toned as I would expect. Whyyyy, body, whyy? Am I eating too much fat? Am I not burning the carbs? I have no idea.

I think this whole night-training thing has really effed my body. I work so hard at night, and I consume a few hundred calories afterwards... I get wired and can't sleep, plus all the food I ate just stores as fat because all I do afterward is lay in bed and try to sleep.

Once I get home, I am on that treadmill at least an hour a day. During the day.




* just a note that the second word here is not spelled incorrectly, but rather a play on the word appetite (meaning desire for food) by placing an "a" (negating prefix) in front of "petite" (small, dainty). 

i'm homesick. i'm getting tired of moving around every 4-6 months.

in other news,
i worked so hard on tuesday that i couldn't sleep. laying on my arms was too painful.
how's that for pushing the limit? too far? or just enough?


[edit:12/20]
ballet killed my calves. i can no longer climb stairs without limping. it's been 3 days.

oh my goodness.

my time here is already almost over! i just realized that its december.

circus today:

okay. not great. i am getting frustrated again. in silks (granted it was after conditioning and flexibility classes), i feel like i should have more endurance. how come i get so tired so quickly? also, i feel like i should have more strength. those straddle inversions are the bane of my aerial existence.
(i feel like i have more to say here. im struggling with how to put my questions or concerns about my training without making it sound like i'm complaining... i'll try later when i feel more articulate)

also, something new that i've realized, now that i am moving to more advanced moves.. there is a certain spatial awareness that i am lacking. when i drop i just hold on for dear life and go. but i should be more aware of what my body is doing (which way it is turning, when i am facing up or down, etc). 

repetition repetition... 

how to know when you've trained too hard.

when your hands are too shaky to write notes about the trick you just learned
when you push through the pain of that one last climb, one last straddle up, one last...
when you bike home and you stand in front of the stairs to the porch wondering how Olive is getting back up there
when you almost cry trying to lift Olive up
when you spill chocolate milk trying to pour yourself a glass
when you drag your feet up to the third floor into your room

and collapse.

hello again, happy thanksgiving!

Zeynep was kind enough to take some pictures of me. Please don't mind the imperfect postures (non-pointed toes, back not curved enough, etc), as it was my second day back on the silks and I got tired really easily.

I am amazed (and a bit upset, I'll admit) that I lost so much strength or endurance or flexibility (or whatever it is that made my life easier on those silks) in such a short amount of time. I was only out for two weeks... but I am so happy to be back! My shoulders are in pain today, but nothing a little advil won't alleviate.