how to know when you've trained too hard.

when your hands are too shaky to write notes about the trick you just learned
when you push through the pain of that one last climb, one last straddle up, one last...
when you bike home and you stand in front of the stairs to the porch wondering how Olive is getting back up there
when you almost cry trying to lift Olive up
when you spill chocolate milk trying to pour yourself a glass
when you drag your feet up to the third floor into your room

and collapse.

hello again, happy thanksgiving!

Zeynep was kind enough to take some pictures of me. Please don't mind the imperfect postures (non-pointed toes, back not curved enough, etc), as it was my second day back on the silks and I got tired really easily.

I am amazed (and a bit upset, I'll admit) that I lost so much strength or endurance or flexibility (or whatever it is that made my life easier on those silks) in such a short amount of time. I was only out for two weeks... but I am so happy to be back! My shoulders are in pain today, but nothing a little advil won't alleviate.

half turn drop

candle to faux iron cross.

 

Triangle Pose

yummy yummy happy tummy

hello hello
my sister is coming tomorrow!

in other news, i invited a couple of friends over for a delicious meal and a movie. I realized while i was cooking, how much I missed making my own food and sharing it with others, or even just sitting down and simply enjoying it. I made a simple stir-fry: broccoli, carrots, mushrooms, seared turmeric tofu, baby bok choy, hemp, nori, egg. oh and soba noodles. mmmmmm. each cooked to perfection.

fig newtons and chocolate milk for desert. good food makes a for a happy elif. 

i exist!

there you are. a picture of my circus friends and me... i guess i didnt realize we were in action pose...

screw it, i'm going to circus tomorrow.
even if only to stretch and do non-arm related conditioning exercises.


rough patch lately, guys. this whole injury thing was making me wonder if i should just give up and go home. i'm stickin it out, though.

also, grinnell circus peeps, watch out. i'm making a lesson plan for next semester. :)

home.

hello there.
so its tuesday night. it's been over a week since i fell. i went to my physiotherapist today. he said no circus for at least another week if not two.
its... quiet. I'm not running around in the evenings to try getting to TSCA right at 5pm so I can have the full 2 hours for open gym. no coming home exhausted and ravenous.
tonight is the first night i'm actually enjoying the silence rather than hating myself for getting hurt. i'm drinking tea, listening to some tunes, and knitting. warm. comfy. quiet. i wish i had a cat to complete the picture.
kinda makes me miss fairfield.
but it also helped me realize that i'm a pretty simple person. all i really need is a book or a ball of yarn and some music to make me feel cozy.

also, its raining outside.

email from linda today:

Hello Everyone,

Couple of reminders:

1.       The school will be closed this Wednesday November 16^th and Thursday November 17^th; there are no classes, no open gym, no performance troupe training!






linda, why exactly is there an exclamation point at the end of that statement? this does not excite me at all. in fact, i let out a squeal of disapproval (a very distinct squeal, much different than my one of delight). how dare the school be closed now that my arm is feeling (somewhat-not really-but im sure it would be by wednesday) better?! 




in other news, i am also lamenting that i cannot attend the martin hayes concert in grinnell this evening. i counter it by going to see High Places at the Garrison tonight. hmph.  

exclamation time.

i am here to play
and enjoy play

OH YEAH! i just remembered this today. whew! good thing i remembered before i really forgot.

so today was my last day at work, and while i was really upset about this (financial situation, blahblahblah), i realized that now i'll have more time! and be less tired! time to play cello! and read! and rest! and stretch! and... bake! and.... do other things!

am i at the north pole now? im getting lost.

went to circus this morning. I could only do about half of the conditioning class. no push-ups. no pull-ups. forget pull-ups, i couldnt even hold my weight from the bar. so no silks today. :(

i miss circus. is that weird? just being there made me want to be active, and i couldnt....

but i came home early and so far i have cleaned up my room, done laundry, done dishes, took a bath, and i think im about to start playing some cello. and tonight i will prepare a most wonderful meal-- im thinking brocolli with rice and quinoa. and crepes for desert!
yay!

"bad day" continues with: bad week!

i havent been to circus in a week.
i havent played cello for two weeks.
i havent taken good care of my body (food, sleep, routine) for more that that.


i keep on pretending that im getting better, but i'm not. that wall of fear is still ever-present.

its so frustrating! i can see the beauty, but i cant be a part of it. i cant be it. i can appreciate music and movement and a story, but
but i dont know what's stopping me. i feel... lazy. its not that i dont want it. its that i dont believe that i will get anywhere. so i'm too afraid to let myself try and see what happens anyway.

i dont feel so good. when am i going to get up?

this american life

“Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.” 

― Ira Glass

my stuff is pretty crappy right now. choppy. unfocused. 

gotta keep writing. gotta keep going. 

bad day

my arm wont move (so i cant go to circus)
i keep having terrible nightmares about being back in grinnell,
i lost my job today (so i dont have enough money to go to a doctor),
and i've cancelled my registration for the amma retreat (super sad face)


i think this project has started to go south.

ouch

my shoulder really hurts from the fall it took yesterday. as in, i couldnt sleep very well last night and i can barely move it without it yelling at me in pain.

i want to go to class today, but i dont know if it's a good idea. will i be able to handle it, or will using my shoulder just make it worse? i dont know what to do. i dont like just sitting here and doing nothing though.
maybe i'll just go and... stretch? i have so much work to do! why did i have to get injured?

16 C (61 F)

today was so full! the weather was beautiful so Olive and I spent the day outdoors. 

high park is lovely in autumn:

so many leaves!

this was the best part of my day. i should have never left the park..
..so i left the park.
and while i was biking, olive's front tire got caught in a streetcar rail. she was fine, but i really hurt my left shoulder... it's really achy and doesn't want to move very much.
which wasn't great because i was off to my very first ever dance class. modern dance at the city dance corps.

i almost cried. not because of the shoulder-- that i can manage. dance i cannot. i'm terrible! following choreography is difficult! i'm constantly in my head thinking, "oh god what comes next?" that my movements are all choppy. at first i didnt really mind, but after an hour and a half of being a half step behind and craning my neck to follow everyone else... guh, i was absolutely frustrated and seriously considered just walking out. but i'll go back. week after week after masochistic week. and maybe, just maybe-- i will be able to keep up for ten seconds by the end of it. or perhaps i'll be able to enjoy the movement for the sake of moving.

varekai

I'd like to get bendy (and brave) enough to do something like this:

I, Elif, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, Elif, am a wonderful and creative mover, dancer, circus artist.
I, Elif, am a beautiful cellist.

I, Elif, have started the Artist's Way again. Morning pages are dreadful, and writing these affirmations (particularly to the public), is difficult and embarrassing. But I want to be an artist. So I have to stop being so scared of becoming one.

Speaking of fears, I did a drop-in flying trapeze class tonight after open gym. It was terrifying and absolutely exhilarating. I loved it! Climbing 40 feet up in the air and then jumping off the ledge! Wheeeeee!!! I did a double back flip tuck to come down too. eeek :)