at the phoenix

I went to a Moby concert on Monday. He has a very sweet stage presence. Joked that he wanted to take us all to LA with him to save us from the impending doom-- i mean, winter.

The crowd was great, the vibes were soulful. I could feel the vibrations of the music in my body. I danced and sang and had a wonderful time :)

jordan, or the universe.

I've been scared for a long time. Of anything, of everything, of the world, of other people, of myself. There are periods when I can let go and have faith in the world, the universe, destiny, humanity, but at times I feel utterly vulnerable and I protect myself by not letting anyone get to know me. I cannot have trust in others because I barely trust myself. I cannot let go in order to love others, or to have compassion, because I do not have self-love.
I met a man yesterday in a coffeeshop. He commented on what a rockstar I am because I was knitting. He had just been on a journey walking from Vancouver to the southern tip of California, and he seemed to exude compassion and love. We talked for a bit about this and that, and then he asked me a personal question. And there was a second of doubt. My initial reaction was to stave off the question and stay in my little shell, but he had been so open with me about the recent changes he underwent in his life, battling with his inner censor voice, that I decided to accept that I was afraid of opening up and do it anyway. We talked for over an hour and by the end, although I was unsettled by letting him see me for who I really was, it was okay. I still had power over myself. Just because I let someone in does not give them power over me. He made it easy because he was so compassionate and open, but even still, I realized that I am in control. That little voice that tells me what to do, that makes me hold on to my fears, does not have to dominate my actions, and maybe someday, my beliefs.
He told me that every person, every single one of us, is a hero, and it is through going to the deepest darkest parts of ourselves and facing those wounds and battlescars that we can resurface unscathed into a greater reality. I am still holding back to my greater potential because I have yet to let go of my greatest fears, or to face them. But it's okay. I will take it one step at a time, and perhaps I'll learn to love myself along the way. 

dizzy.

i love the aesthetic of hoop.... and how effortless it looks!

but it is so punishing! that 40 lb steel hoop does not give and you have to conform your body to it instead of it wrapping around you (like silks).
(secretly, i think i like it better. but it is sooooooo painful. and hard. and ughhhh. but in a lovely way.)
my hands will get over it. theyre toughening up. i just have to work reaaally hard on my flexibility. 

circus sketches

havelock, will stay

i love my little nook.

 my new rooooooom!

rainy day

that's my window! it's like i have my own little loggia :)

my neighbors

we have a patio. 

chinatown

are those piglets?

 i felt like posting some pictures.

just chillin'. selling some herb.

i have NO idea what these are. 

herro!

hello.

i am not a silks artist. now, when i say that, i dont mean it in the whiny self-pitying way. rather, i recognize that is not my state of being at the present. i have to, or my expectations will... well, they'll kill me. metaphorically, anyhow.
i go to the gym and i get frustrated because i cannot do a straddle inversion. so i work for two hours straight on just that. and by the end, im shaking, and my arms give out as i try to do one last climb.
during muscle conditioning, i try and do the exercises for as long as i can, and breathe through the pain. but i know that pain, and its not the good kind. its the kind where my abs are so tired so they utilize my back muscles. bad form means that i'm actually benefitting less from the exercise than if i were to just take a break to... breathe.


yes, i want that straddle inversion. yes i want that back walkover. but comparing myself to people who have been doing it for years is probably not the best way to go about it.

tryptophan

Happy Thanksgiving!

A housemate had some of her friends over (all of them speak french), so I enjoyed my turkey while listening to them speak in their native tongue, laughing and all.

I've been nursing a cold for the past few days so I am thankful for the day off from school and work. Tomorrow, training. I have to get this acro stuff down. Auditions are in February... !
Soon I will be publishing a timeline of objectives and I hope that making it public will keep me to the self-imposed deadlines... Goals include preparation for the NCS audition and the manuscript for the fall circus show.

zero gravity

Now that I've peeked into the circus world, I am surprised by the variety of performers, and admittedly, a little put off. While I understand that circus is a form of entertainment, I am not in this to delight an audience. I don't see the allure in learning "tricks" for that seems too simple a task.. practice will produce results, and the way I see it, anyone can do a knee hook or even a helicopter if they just (really) try.

But it's not just about getting into those positions that interests me, that keeps me coming back day after tiring day to the silks. It's the fascination with how my body can be manipulated, or rather, how I learn to manipulate my body, the one thing I have control over, to challenge my perceptions, my feelings, even my beliefs of what is possible. It's within these simple tricks that I get to explore a hint of expression-- communicating my truth without fear. Oh my.

Perhaps this is setting the barre too high. Perhaps my expectations of what the circus will mean for me is just another fantasy. I cannot help but try. The streets are all astir, and I'm tickled.

Moby Dick

While I am truly enjoying all that this city has to offer, I have to admit,  I'm a little homesick. I miss my friends, family.. the comfort of enjoying a conversation without effort.


I took a day off today. I really needed it, I think. I'm getting sick-- so I really need to take better care of myself. I slept in, then stayed in bed until about noon, which was GREAT. Then I treated myself to lunch out (ie: real food) and a latte at moonbean with Melville and his White Whale. Afterwards, I explored the library and found this! American Turk's-cap Lily, or Lilium superbum. What struck me at first were the amazing colors-- the red-orange golden petals contrasting with the aubergine stalk. Then I noticed the name, which made it even better.

Speaking of Turks... I don't think Melville had a very high opinion of them. Historically speaking, I suppose we're not the gentlest of peoples, but he writes "No turbaned Turk, no hired Venetian or Malay, could have smote him with more seeming malice," elucidating the ill-will of the whale. Ouch.


I didn't go to conditioning class today. Which I feel a little twinge of guilt about, but really, I think it's ok. I needed today. Ha. I spent that time reading up about circus at the library. A little something from my studies,

"Here is the ensemble work that has come to be one of the hallmarks of contemporary circus, presented in a style that is both joyous and graceful, suggesting in its supreme effortlessness that circus is a natural extension of mankind's love of challenge taken to the level of art"(Albrecht, Contemporary Circus). 

I like that. It's natural... much like Ishmael's desire to take to sea, or my desire to travel. It's human nature to challenge oneself and the concept of the "impossible."

mecca.

Toronto Reference Library-- my new sanctuary. Five stories of reference books. FIVE.

This is my first pile... and I only browsed for 10 minutes.

eeeee! time to get to work :)

balance.

today was both good and bad. serendipitous events made my happy, but by the evening, my energy for circus was not... energetic.

while on my way to my cello lesson this morning, i decided to stop for a coffee at *gasp* tim hortons (canada's dunkin donuts). while standing in line, the man in front of me turned around and told me many times over that nothing is impossible... he kept repeating "even vienna fill-a"... and i just realized he meant the Vienna Philaharmonic. he was adamant that i should keep at it. I nodded, smilingly, wondering why this random man seemed so invested in my musical success. made me smile anyway.
On my way out, a very cute boy walked up to me and invited me to join his band-- they need a cellist. I explained what a novice I am, but he seemed interested anyway. Apparently they do a lot of improv. He took my email. We'll see if that pans out. :)

i did not want to be in conditioning today. i think my mindset contributes a lot to how my body feels because i felt more tired, more in pain, less energetic, simply because i did not want to be there... not that my body couldn't handle the exercises.
i learned something important today. no matter what, save enough energy for the... dismount? it takes effort to get out of moves, its not just about letting go. i burned my hands today because i didn't get out of a skill properly in silks. i hurt my back because i didnt have enough strength left to straddle back then down.
ouch.

tomorrow will be better. 

TSCA

Finally, a few photos of the facility! Frankly, I filched these from friends' facebook profiles, for I've not found the fitting framework to photograph my own. Phew!

Cocoon. This is the silks corner...

Behind them you can see pretty much the whole gym. To the left is flying trapeze, to the center back is the static trapeze and hoop, to the right is trampoline and chinese poles (this must have been before they installed the poles), and where these two are is the acro area. The silks corner is to the left of here.

Static trapeze. 

I'm bleeding circus.

dreaming of Montreal

nuit blanche

i'm eating a lot more, i've realized. my schedule is off, so i never eat at the same times, but i am hungry to eat more during each meal. curious.


last night was "nuit blanche"-- a night of wandering aimlessly, or trying to find the artwork displayed throughout the city. i saw more street performers than i did art installations. i danced with a circle of Hare Krishnas and did some hand-balancing with a fellow (tipsy, mind you) circuser.
perhaps i'm a stickler for intention, but i didn't exactly enjoy being in the middle of a crowd and doing silly tricks with a grin for a round of applause. hmm.

rainy day. spending it with tea and knitting. happy october :)