To everyone who thinks what I've done is glamorous or envious.... here it is. My full disclosure.
While I am grateful to be in a position to just pack up and leave, to take some time to myself, to realize a fantasy...
here are some (unedited) notes scribbled down while waiting for my class today:
[I keep thinking, "who am i kidding?" "what do i think i'm doing here? coming to a place where i know no one and dont have anything to do all day?" "i can't do this-- it's impossible-- i'm not strong enough, not flexible enough, not commited enough. i'm lazy. i'm a coward. i don't do enough, i don't offer enough." i fall into these thought patterns and i create these problems. they don't have to exist. i create my own life here, but i'm still holding back. i'm still clutching on to these preconceptions i've made up to protect me from ever getting anywhere. what am i so afraid of? what am i waiting for? i take a step forward and then i tremble and retreat, curling into fetal position, waiting to be coddled. what fucking bullshit!* am i just lazy? I refuse to believe that--I hope that's not true because that would ruin me. I think there is still an underlying fear that i'm not facing. i'm getting tired of this game.]
In case anyone back in Grinnell is reading this, cherish one another. Help each other through the crap, because I suppose in the end, you have to believe it's possible... because I can't believe it every day. But I have to. At least you can have one another.
*excuse my expletives.
While I am grateful to be in a position to just pack up and leave, to take some time to myself, to realize a fantasy...
here are some (unedited) notes scribbled down while waiting for my class today:
[I keep thinking, "who am i kidding?" "what do i think i'm doing here? coming to a place where i know no one and dont have anything to do all day?" "i can't do this-- it's impossible-- i'm not strong enough, not flexible enough, not commited enough. i'm lazy. i'm a coward. i don't do enough, i don't offer enough." i fall into these thought patterns and i create these problems. they don't have to exist. i create my own life here, but i'm still holding back. i'm still clutching on to these preconceptions i've made up to protect me from ever getting anywhere. what am i so afraid of? what am i waiting for? i take a step forward and then i tremble and retreat, curling into fetal position, waiting to be coddled. what fucking bullshit!* am i just lazy? I refuse to believe that--I hope that's not true because that would ruin me. I think there is still an underlying fear that i'm not facing. i'm getting tired of this game.]
In case anyone back in Grinnell is reading this, cherish one another. Help each other through the crap, because I suppose in the end, you have to believe it's possible... because I can't believe it every day. But I have to. At least you can have one another.
*excuse my expletives.
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