"bad day" continues with: bad week!

i havent been to circus in a week.
i havent played cello for two weeks.
i havent taken good care of my body (food, sleep, routine) for more that that.


i keep on pretending that im getting better, but i'm not. that wall of fear is still ever-present.

its so frustrating! i can see the beauty, but i cant be a part of it. i cant be it. i can appreciate music and movement and a story, but
but i dont know what's stopping me. i feel... lazy. its not that i dont want it. its that i dont believe that i will get anywhere. so i'm too afraid to let myself try and see what happens anyway.

i dont feel so good. when am i going to get up?

this american life

“Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.” 

― Ira Glass

my stuff is pretty crappy right now. choppy. unfocused. 

gotta keep writing. gotta keep going. 

bad day

my arm wont move (so i cant go to circus)
i keep having terrible nightmares about being back in grinnell,
i lost my job today (so i dont have enough money to go to a doctor),
and i've cancelled my registration for the amma retreat (super sad face)


i think this project has started to go south.

ouch

my shoulder really hurts from the fall it took yesterday. as in, i couldnt sleep very well last night and i can barely move it without it yelling at me in pain.

i want to go to class today, but i dont know if it's a good idea. will i be able to handle it, or will using my shoulder just make it worse? i dont know what to do. i dont like just sitting here and doing nothing though.
maybe i'll just go and... stretch? i have so much work to do! why did i have to get injured?

16 C (61 F)

today was so full! the weather was beautiful so Olive and I spent the day outdoors. 

high park is lovely in autumn:

so many leaves!

this was the best part of my day. i should have never left the park..
..so i left the park.
and while i was biking, olive's front tire got caught in a streetcar rail. she was fine, but i really hurt my left shoulder... it's really achy and doesn't want to move very much.
which wasn't great because i was off to my very first ever dance class. modern dance at the city dance corps.

i almost cried. not because of the shoulder-- that i can manage. dance i cannot. i'm terrible! following choreography is difficult! i'm constantly in my head thinking, "oh god what comes next?" that my movements are all choppy. at first i didnt really mind, but after an hour and a half of being a half step behind and craning my neck to follow everyone else... guh, i was absolutely frustrated and seriously considered just walking out. but i'll go back. week after week after masochistic week. and maybe, just maybe-- i will be able to keep up for ten seconds by the end of it. or perhaps i'll be able to enjoy the movement for the sake of moving.

varekai

I'd like to get bendy (and brave) enough to do something like this:

I, Elif, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, Elif, am a wonderful and creative mover, dancer, circus artist.
I, Elif, am a beautiful cellist.

I, Elif, have started the Artist's Way again. Morning pages are dreadful, and writing these affirmations (particularly to the public), is difficult and embarrassing. But I want to be an artist. So I have to stop being so scared of becoming one.

Speaking of fears, I did a drop-in flying trapeze class tonight after open gym. It was terrifying and absolutely exhilarating. I loved it! Climbing 40 feet up in the air and then jumping off the ledge! Wheeeeee!!! I did a double back flip tuck to come down too. eeek :)